If you need to feel better about yourself {at my expense} than I guess read on!!
This is probably a post I should journal in some pink, flower print, diary or notebook. But I don't "journal". I blog. So I guess this is where I will attempt to sift through all the jumbles of words and thoughts in my head. Maybe someone else has the same struggles I do?
I can guarantee that as soon as I post this I will immediately regret it. It won't be the first time I have written a whole post, just to delete it right after or the next day.
......
Every new year I give myself a word for the year. {I have learned that I just am not a resolutions type of gal. I usually break at least one the first day and then feel like crap! Like the biggest failure ever.} My word is usually something I really want to focus on or improve. For example, last year my word was: Balance.
I really struggle with this! I am such an extreme person, I have a hard time finding the middle. I am always way overboard or nothing. So last year my focus was to find balance. To let myself venture into the gray. Accepting that black or white, hot or cold, is not healthy all the time. To not take on 543,505 things at once and then get burnt out after 2 seconds, and quit.
This year I have been wordless. I started thinking and praying about my new word back in November, or so. At first I was set on "Intention". I wanted to live life with intention. I wanted to be intentional in my relationships, with my husband, with my kids, in my walk with Christ, with my time, with my talents, with my heart, just in every area. I can't tell you how many times my kids are talking to me and I am going, "mmhhmmm" all while not really listening or paying full attention to what they are saying. And as much as I tell myself they don't know or notice, they do. They have to. And how will I feel when one day down the road I want to listen, am ready to listen, and they have nothing to say. Sick of getting half my attention. Or how I often read my Bible just to check it off my list. The list goes on, I tend to be unintentional.
But then like 5 other blogs I follow posted about how their word for the new year was, intention. I quickly was over it. I didn't want to be generic {not that they are, that was just my personal feelings}. So I continued to pray and ask God that He would show me my word. What was He whispering to my heart? Every word I thought of would soon be "taken" by another blogger. Ugh! I was getting so frustrated. Time was continuing to move on and I was wordless. I was really bothered by this.
Enter last Friday night. I went to a murder mystery dinner with a group of ladies that I get together with once a month. It all kind of came crashing down on me. You see, everyone was having so much fun. It was fun, except I was dying. Hating it. {in my head I was literally repeating "I hate this, I hate this, I hate this.."}Even though I wanted to have a good time and laugh at the hilarious actors, I was feeling sick to my stomach. I couldn't relax, I was getting nauseous. At one point I wanted to say I was going to the bathroom, just so I could slip over to the bar and drink one... or four... or seven margaritas! Seriously, I needed to calm down. All night I felt like the biggest idiot. What is wrong with me??! Why can't I just be normal and have fun like every other person in this place?
It all comes down to control. I don't like {can't handle really} being in situations where I don't know the outcome or can't control it {enter improve comedy/murder mystery show}. It makes me so super duper uncomfortable. I have built up so many "what ifs" in my mind that they have paralyzed me.
I grew up in such an unhealthy environment. I never felt safe or secure. I would try so hard to make sense of things or to be perfect and pleasing in certain peoples eyes. Worthy of acceptance. Which never happened. To this day. And of course as a kid you have no say or control over anything in your environment. You are helpless. I couldn't wait to grow up and move away. And I did just that. I graduated high school at 17, and moved out that same day.
Ever since then I have unknowingly (until recently) tried to control every.single.little.detail of my life so that I could feel safe. Secure. And not "out of control", as my life felt to me as a kid. I never wanted to feel that way again. But over the past 6 or so years my controlling nature has gotten out of control! Ha! Try and explain that one. I literally don't even recognize myself anymore. What I have become is not who I want to be. We could write a whole book on my crazy over-the-top OCD, and "rules" I have established. But lately they are choking even me. I can see how unhealthy they are for my kids, and my home. I have gone to the extreme opposite with how I treat my kids, thinking it will make them feel loved and secure and safe. Yet it does the exact opposite. My need to control things, is controlling me.
So tonight (as I hung laundry) tears streamed down my face from the stress of trying to keep everything around me so "perfect" yet failing so miserably, I heard my word.
Free.
At first I was like, really? That is so stupid. So un-profound.
But I had a lot of laundry to put away so I just kept thinking about it. And then I felt compelled to come look up the definition on the computer.
Free: to let go.
Oh. Em. Gee! That is what I need! I almost gasped as I stared at the simple three word definition on the screen.
Christ knows my struggles. My heart. My desires.
As I read the synonyms and antonyms of "free" I cried some more. {Ok, I cry a lot, so I guess this is nothing out of the ordinary.} :)
A couple antonyms of the word free: confine, enslave, hold, incarcerate, restrain, suppress, limit.
That is exactly how I feel!! Within myself. Within my mind. Trapped. Stuck. Exhausted. Burdened.
So as I read the synonyms I felt the Lord saying to me...
Talia, let me free you.
let me redeem,
relieve,
deliver,
ransom,
save,
unchain,
unburden,
unload,
cast off,
clear,
and unshackle
You.
Let me free you from your:
Fears,
anxieties,
stresses,
pressures,
guilt,
doubt,
faults.
From the unattainable expectations you have placed on yourself, your kids, your husband.
From worrying what others will think, or say.
From feeling like you need to "do more" to earn favor.
From fearing failure to the point of never starting, or quitting half way through.
Take the freedom you have received in me and clothe your kids in it.
Let them be free to play, laugh, make messes, say stupid things, wear un-matching clothes, paint their room purple, grow their hair long.
Give them grace.
Give them innocent freedom.
Give yourself grace.
Let it go.
Let go.
Isaiah 46:4
John 8:32
Psalm 34:4
Galatians 5:1
Psalm 118:5
Psalm 25:20
